Lately it seems like I've been moving in tiny little circles without any indication of stopping.
Without Uni to preoccupy me (but even that was a cycle) I find my life revolving around two things: sleep and work. Things are becoming empty again and I'm sick of staring at the same four walls. Unfortunately, I need to work in order to get the money I would require to go away for the week. And with Uni starting up again soon it isn't going to happen until around my birthday. And won't that be bloody dandy when I disappear on my birthday.
But I'm beyond caring.
I suppose that isn't a good thing. I recognise the signs. I'm on the edge of another breakdown and really? It's overdue. It's been several months and that unusual for someone who needs to emotionally collapse every two months or so. It's a twisted way of dealing with things but it works for me. And hey, I'm still here.
So what's new for me? Pretty much nothing. Ive managed to get myself out of the house and a bit more into the social scene but it isn't helping. Going out means I don't work, hence no money to save up. Then there's the fact that even though I do love my high school friends, I'm not comfortable around them. I feel like I'm the little odd coloured block from one set of connect-a-blocks that has been accidentally placed in the wrong connect-a-block box. I'm still a connect-a-block... just the wrong type.
And the box I did belong in... I'm not going back to.
I dropped my course at Uni, where I was studying primary teaching (alonside international studies) and I'm hoping it wasn't a stupid thing to do. I feel like my mistake was taking the course in the first place. Even though I was interested in teaching, I can't see myself in a classroom for the rest of life and I doubt I'd be a good teacher anyway. Regerdless, the kids were great and very inspiring. But it's not me. And in choosing that course, it was a last minute decision. I was thinking of doing forensic science, or psychology, but panicked and believed I wasn't smart enough. Avoiding possible disappointment, I went with teaching.
But now I've dropped it and am going to do psychology instead, which is great because I think this could be right for me... but I'm still terrified I'm not smart enough. Terrified it's a stupid dream and I'm not cut out for it. I don't know what I'll do otherwise.
I'm trying to get my writing projects finished up... but they're taking their sweet time forming. There is one I'm a bit excited about, but it's definently NOT ready for show. First I have to finish it. Then I can go through and edit. Then I can hope it's worthy.
Wow, this ended up being longer than I anticipated. Let me know if you'd like it behind a cut, I'll be happy to oblige. Otherwise it'll stay like this.