Your heart is not able. SN ficlet

[lemanya]

A Supernatural ficlet.

Title: Your heart is not able.
Rating: M, for dark themes.
Parings: Mild Sam/Dean.
Warnings: character death, allusions to mental illness.
A/N: Nothing particularly explicit, but definently implied. A bit dark and twisted, and I can kinda imagine a bit of insanity. Sort of set after 3x16, but isn't intended as that, so it's also an AU. Title from The Killers: My list. It served not only as inspiration but also as a soundtrack. Beautiful emtionally tortured song.

 

    His fingers trail along warm skin and he smiles as the muscles twitches slightly with the stimulation. He licks gently over his brother’s hip, tracing the dent of bone and savouring the slight tang of gunpowder that is all Dean. He wants to suck on the hip joint, thinking that maybe, if he sucks hard enough, the blood will rise and leave a mark. Sam was here. It’s fitting, since Dean has always been Sam’s, though maybe not always in this way.

    He breathes into Dean’s navel and ghosts his mouth along his sternum. He murmurs into Dean’s neck and traces patterns along his brother’s forehead, jaw, shoulder and the palms of his hands. It seems almost impossible that he is here now, mapping the dips and ridges of Dean’s skin with his fingertips and burning the shape of Dean into his mind. It seems almost impossible that Dean isn’t responding to this, the one time he has not been alert to any movement Sam makes. It seems almost impossible that Dean will never move ever again.

    It seems almost impossible that Dean died less than thirty minutes ago, life dripping away with each stuttering beat of his heart. But he isn’t cold yet, so Sam will still imagine that he will look up and Dean will smirk at him, maybe even say Sam’s name, pull him into a hug and tell him that nothing bad is gonna happen as long as I’m around and Sam shivers. He will imagine until it actually happens. He will make it happen.

    Later, when the room is cold and Sam is cold and Dean is cold, he will march right into Hell and drag Dean all the way back home, to Sam. Until then, he will wrap himself around Dean and keep him warm. And long after the sun rises, Sam will whisper how much he loves Dean, how sorry he is he couldn’t save him, and how he doesn’t know what to do without him. Doesn’t know what he will become without him.

    Until then, Sam’s heart will beat for the both of them.
 

Comments

[alwaysenduphere.livejournal.com]

oh, i love this. not gonna lie, i clicked on it cuz of the title, but i'm so glad i did. so powerful in so few words. and i love that not 'til the 3rd paragraph does it actually state that dean's dead, but you get hints that something's not quite right in the first two. and i love the defiance at the end. poor sammy!

<3

[lemanya.livejournal.com]

*hee*
thankyou! yes...poor sammy indeed!
and yayz for titles that cause clickiness.
<3

[closet-fangirl.livejournal.com]

oh, thats so -hurty-. good though, very good.

[lemanya.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you liked it.
:)

[charmedstrange1.livejournal.com]

This is beautiful and heartbreaking.

I can just imagine this kind of jagged thinking in the face of incomprehensible loss, and I can so see this of Sam. Painful but lovely.

[lemanya.livejournal.com]

I can just imagine this kind of jagged thinking in the face of incomprehensible loss
Particularly between these two, because they really proved that they basically can't live without each other.
Thankyou!

[ink-apparatus.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow; this evokes such emotion. So powerful, it was a truly beautiful read. I find this to be such a challenge for writers, to write this particular genre of character death and you executed perfectly, the words flowed seamlessly.

[lemanya.livejournal.com]

Oh, wow; thankyou!
This means a lot to me.

[zatnikatel.livejournal.com]

Well, stopped here too... I don't read much Wincest and hafta say that anytime one of my favorites [eg, Leionidaslion] posts it I have to hide my eyes at those bits: it just isn't me. But this is beautiful. I'm constantly amazed at the maturity and depth people reach with their writing in this fandom, especially when their other posts let slip that they're still in college. Maybe I have gotten so old and jaded and cynical and worn out by life and love-gone-horribly-wrong that I just can't feel this level of emotion any more myself, but it is so pretty to read, and inspiring too. This is just gorgeous. It reminds me of things I once felt about other people and maybe gives me the hope I can feel those things again. Thanks for sharing... ;-)

[lemanya.livejournal.com]

why thankyou. :D
I'm glad you read it, despite the pairing- it means a lot that it could be put aside (or at least the eyes are hidden from it) for you to respond.
And I hope you do find someone to feel strongly about again, everyone deserves a kind of relationship with someone where everthing is given and received in turn.

[zatnikatel.livejournal.com]

Sweetie! Write some more!